Working in the Dark: Service and the Path to Return
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Ring the bells that still can ringForget your perfect offeringThere is a crack, a crack in everythingThat's how the light gets in.
—Leonard Cohen, Anthem
when i was asked to write an essay on the theme of "Rupture and Return," my first reactions were a mix of excitement, confusion, anger, curiosity, gratitude, and—finally—hope. I could not get my head around what expectations a title like "Rupture and Return" might mean for someone like me, who has experienced not one but many ruptures over the past few years, which long predate the COVID-19 pandemic. I questioned what people think they might be returning to with eyes newly opened to the difficulties, indignities, and pain many in the academy have long endured. I also questioned whether anyone wants a return to the pre-pandemic status quo. At this point in time, "repair" and "reset" rather than "return" more naturally flow off my tongue after the word "rupture," and I want to propose them as alternatives toward which we might set our sights as we contemplate the idea of return. In this essay, I discuss how I believe we can use service as a form of self-care to make our field a platform on which more people can thrive. I start by explaining why I believe a return is unlikely, undesirable, and impossible. I then share observations on how certain types of individual and collective repair might help us reset our collective trajectory. Finally, using my experiences as a leader and volunteer in service organizations such as the Women's Classical Caucus (WCC), I suggest specific steps for building a practice of service that is personalized, effective, and sustainable, not only for the field but also for us as individuals. [End Page 325]
no turning back
First of all, I think we should abandon the idea that we are able to return to a pre-pandemic world. One reason is that we now live in a world wounded by the collective trauma of the pandemic, with new strains of COVID-19 continuing to surge. Even if this were not the case, desiring a return would be a very conservative stance because it would call for reinstating a status quo that served few, in which even the "winners" in the hierarchy—senior scholars, permanently employed instructors, tenured professors, charismatic administrators, etc.—seemed unhappy and anxious most of the time, transmitting this vibe along with well-intentioned but sometimes ill-suited advice and caveats to those still struggling to get their footing on the ladder. Even before the pandemic, there were many dire statistics and sad anecdotes about life in academia that we can probably all point to, from reduced funding for the humanities, the lack of diversity in the professoriate and scholarly publications, a barren job market, systemic barriers to advancement by marginalized individuals, exploitative hiring policies in all types of higher education institutions, and untenable service obligations that have increased the number of our colleagues who live in financial and emotional precarity, particularly among those in the early career stages. "Grind culture" and burnout were rampant at all levels, and the expectations of our profession were fast becoming unsustainable.
The pandemic, in short, did not cause rupture; rather, it shone a light on it and created an opportunity for relentless revelation. When "business as normal" went away, we saw the cracks in the leaky jar that we had been frantically trying to fill. Moreover, we got to see who had never had the privilege of normality but had lived for a long time in a state of uncertainty and anxiety, whether over finding a job, keeping a job, or doing their job. At the drop of a hat in March 2020, we were asked to rebuild our courses for an online environment, master new technologies, and be a beacon of light and stability for our students, even while their long-held plans and dreams of adulthood fell to dust, from graduation celebrations to study abroad programs to summer jobs. At the same time, we instructors were being asked to maintain the same professional...
